


Ames

by ya_buttisthe_bomb



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy is Dead, Hurt Jake Peralta, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Izzy Peralta, This Is Sad, anxst, anyways please read, jake misses amy, letters to the dead, sorry for writing this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-08-19 20:55:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20216143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ya_buttisthe_bomb/pseuds/ya_buttisthe_bomb
Summary: A million words won't bring you back. I know, because I've tried. A million tears won't bring you back. I know, because I've cried.Jake misses Amy. Everyday. He writes letters to her, even though he knows there will never be an answer.ORAmy is shot dead in an active shooter situation. Jake and their 2-year old daughter have to survive by themselves. These are letters Jake wrote to Amy.(this is yet in the future, not sure when exactly)





	1. Chapter 1

Ames,  
I can't believe it's been a year. Living without you...It's hell. It was Terry who told me I should write letters to you. He says it helps. I don't know. It's not exactly helping that I know I'll never get a reply. I'll never get an answer to my questions. 

It's been quite a year. I got diagnosed with depression. That wasn't fun. The whole squad hates life without you. Especially me. Ames, I know...I know that you can't, but please come back. I miss you and I need you. I'm a terrible dad without you here. For the first 6 months after you died, I never left the house. I stopped going to work (yes, I know, it's not like me at all) and stopped eating. I never fed Izzy. I never took her out. She nearly got taken away by Child Services. It was Gina who saved the day. She always does, doesn't she? She started helping me with Izzy and forcing me back to work. She made me eat and drink. I can't thank anyone more than Gina- she's my savior. 

Izzy. Izzy's 3 now. Her birthday is Halloween, as you know, and this year we went trick or treating. We invited Nikolaj, Iggy, Cagney, Lacey and Ava over for a birthday party too. It was super cute. She's the spitting image of you Ames. She's beautiful and perfect and funny and kind. She loves reading too, even though she's only just started school and only knows about 10 words. I'm pretty sure she's going to be a genius- her teacher told me she's ahead of the entire class. I haven't told her about you...I don't know how. Sometimes she asks, and I've been telling her your on a long holiday. I don't know how to explain it all. I will. I promise. One day. 

We've moved. The apartment brought back too many memories. Gina helped me find a place, near the precinct and near Izzy's preschool. She's very happy. We don't talk a lot about that 6 months...I've nicknamed it the 'dark ages'. She asks sometimes about then too. She asks why it was so dark then and so light now. Amy. I need you here to help me. To get through this. I go to a therapist...I hate it. Holt says its necessary, but I disagree. The therapist says my depression is better, but not gone away completely. Some nights I put Izzy to bed early and cry. And cry. And cry. I haven't watched Die Hard since you passed away. It's stupid to me now. Why did I like it so much? 

I love you. I still do. And I always will. Amy. Your the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. So much. I hate crying. I'm crying for you. I cry most nights. Amy...I'd do anything to bring you back home. Anything. Please say your listening. This is stupid, but please say your listening. Give me a sign that your listening. I can't bear it if your not. I love you. I love you so much. I love you so, so much Amy Santiago. 

Jake xxx


	2. 5 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!  
It was requested that I write stuff from Izzy's P.O.V too, so I have! There is Jake's letter and also 7-year old Izzy's.  
Enjoy!

Ames,  
It's been 5 years. I'm happier now. A lot happier. But I can't help but miss you. I can't help that wish you were still here. And I can't help but wish I had taken the bullet, not you. I think a lot about what our life could've been if it wasn't for that night. We wanted another kid. I wanted a boy, you wanted a girl. You were going to be a Captain one day. We were going to go to the waterpark when Izzy was tall enough to go on the slides. I wanted another kid. I wanted you to be Captain. I wanted to go to the waterpark with you and Izzy. I guess it'll never happen now. But everyday, I can't help but wish it would.

Things at the 99 have changed a lot. I got promoted to Sergeant, which is pretty cool. I'm Sergeant of the Detectives and Charles is Sergeant of the Uniformed Officers. Terry is Captain. We're the only three still at the 99. Holt got promoted to Deputy Commissioner and Rosa is a Sergeant at the 6-1. Gina moved to LA and I never get to see her. The rest of us have family game night still, every Thursday, but it's not the same. I bring Izzy now and she loves her family. It's nice...Rosa and Jocelyn got married. They're thinking of adopting but Rosa's not sure if she's ready for it. Charles and Genevieve got married too, despite Genevieve's doubts. It was officially the most sexual wedding I've ever been to. Ew. It makes me cringe thinking about it. That's all I can think of for change at the 99. 

Izzy is a proper Santiago. She bares no relation to me- it's all you. I'm so lucky to have such a brilliant daughter. She's funny and kind and super smart. She's 7 now, and for her birthday we've started doing Halloween Heists with all her friends from school. They get so competitive! She loves Harry Potter, Ames. She wants to be Hermonie Granger and has the Gryffindor wand, broom and robes. She's adorable in them. She loves reading so much and I spend half my salary on buying books for her. Her room is like a walk-in library. It's sweet...I told her about you Amy. About what happened. She understands it so well for such a little girl. She says that it's not fair that she didn't get to spend more time with her and that she'd do anything to meet you. Oh Amy, she's an amazing writer. I'm pretty sure she's going to be a world famous author when she grows up. I read one of her notebooks and she was writing about how she just wants one more minute with you. I do too. One more minute, just to say goodbye. 

I have to go. Every year, on the night you passed, the squad comes over. It's too hard for me to be on my own tonight. We light candles and talk about our favourite memories. Charles normally stays the night. Izzy's going to stay up with us for the first time. I hope she doesn't cry...She probably won't. One thing she gets from me is that she hates crying, especially in front of others. I've got better at it. I've had to get better at it, after 5 years of breaking down and crying in the middle of work...Amy. I miss you so much. I love you. I always will Amy. Ames...Babe. I'm going to tell Izzy about our wedding. I never have but I will tonight. Thank you Amy. Just thank you for being my friend, my girlfriend, my fiance and then my wife. Thank you so much.  
Jake xxx

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mommy,  
It's Izzy. Your daughter. I'm all grown up now. I'm 7! Daddy says you died when I was only 2, which is a long time ago. I wish you didn't die. Then maybe I could've had a mommy, like all the other kids in my class. Daddy says that I look exactly like you. I hope I do. In all the pictures you look like the most beautiful woman EVER. I want to meet you one day. I hope I can. 

Daddy says I'm lucky. I have Uncle Charles to look after me, and Grandad Holt. Plus there's Auntie Rosa and Uncle Terry and sometimes Gina comes over from California to see me and she gives the best presents. We see everyone once a week, at Family Game Night. Sometimes Daddy gets drunk and Grandad Terry drives us home. One time Daddy had to work on a weekend and I stayed at Rosa's and she let me ride her motorbike! I love my real family too. Grandad Roger is a bit of a dick. That's what I heard Daddy call him, but he says I should never repeat that word. I did, just now, but only for you. Don't tell. I love my Grandma Karen- she taught me how to paint. I see my other grandparents sometimes too. Daddy says their your parents. Grandpa Victor and Grandma Camila. I go to their house a lot, when Daddy has to work, and we have a lot of fun. We get into very intense board games and it's so much fun. You have really nice parents Mommy. 

Tonight everybody has come over. Daddy never said, but I think that tonight is the night you died. I've marked it off on my Life Calendar (Daddy told me you had one, so I immediately had to get my own) and every single year all the 99 family came over. Daddy said it was just a party last year, but I'm not stupid. He's a very bad liar. Plus what sort of party has crying involved. At my birthday parties we have the Halloween Heist! Daddy told me about the time you won. I think you were the best, because Daddy and Grandad Holt were treating you badly JUST because you were a woman. Stupid men. 

Mommy, I love you. I don't remember you. But I love you. The kids at school have been a bit mean about me not have a mommy. They think it's odd. Don't tell Daddy though. I haven't told him about what's happening, because he takes it out of control...Anyway, I'm going to go. Daddy promised more stories about you tonight. Sometimes I wish I didn't just have to listen to stories. That I could...That I could actually be in the stories. I want to meet you. It's not fair that everyone else got to, and I didn't. I just want to have a mommy. Just for one day. Anyway. I love you Mommy. 

Isabelle Rose Peralta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
There will be more coming soon...


	3. 10 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!  
sorry i haven't updated for ages- i was on holiday and there was no wifi :( but I'm BaCk! WOoOo  
anyway, this one might be...a bit more depressing. i just felt like Jake might have a moment where he just breaks down because Amy's gone and so is the squad. i don't know. comment if you think it worked?  
anyway, hope you enjoy!

Ames,  
It's Jake again. It's been a long time since you died- 10 years. It doesn't feel like it though. It just feels like a long day and when it ends, i'll get to see you again. Like that song. It's been a long day, without you my friend but I'll tell you all about it when I see you again...I don't know what I'm writing...This day doesn't feel right, though. Not without you Amy. Even before we dated, I loved you. A bit as a friend, and also a bit...as love. Your an amazing person and I...I can't help but miss you. I don't know. These past few days have been shitty. I just thought...I just thought that it had been so long and some part of me thought you were coming back, but...you never did. And I guess it's been 10 years and I can give up hope that your coming back. I just wish you were, that's all...

I'm still a Sergeant, not at the 9-9 though. I'm at the 1-3-5 and me and Izzy moved nearer to work. I don't see the rest of the 9-9 much anymore. I miss them almost as much as I miss you. Charles and Genevieve moved away, to Boston. I miss Charles...so, so much. I haven't seen him since the move about a year and a half ago, but he promises that he'll visit soon. I guess I've met other friends, but their not Charles. Nobody will ever be Charles. Terry is still Captain at the 9-9. I see him sometimes, but...once again, he's not Charles. Holt's Commissioner now, which is awesome. I know the Commissioner! I get to go to his fancy office and drink fancy coffee, which is fun. He's still my dad figure, especially as Izzy has grown up calling him Grandpa. It's sweet. Rosa and Jocelyn did adopt in the end. They first adopted a little boy, Aiden, about 2 months after I wrote that. He was 1 at the time, and is now nearly 6. A year after they adopted a little girl, called Hattie. She's the same age as Aiden. Rosa's Lieutenant, and is still at the 6-1. I see her more than Charles, but still, I miss her all the same. I wish things could go back, but they can't. I haven't seen Gina for...more than 2 years now. She's still in LA, with her husband (I didn't get invited to the wedding) and Enigma. I'm annoyed with her, but I don't know how to explain it. She just left. Without a goodbye basically. And now she's married and famous and she's not the Gina Linetti I know anymore. I think I'm just sad about you, but it's bringing out a lot of feelings I haven't had for ages. 

I'll talk about the best thing in my life right now. Izzy. I love her too much. She's my light, and if you met her now, you'd be best friends. She's even smarter now, just as funny, and so, so kind. She's beautiful too, even if she doesn't think so. I said this in my other letters, but she's a mini you Ames. You'd...you'd love her so much. She's 12 now and I can't believe it. She's grown up so fast it's...it's incredible. Just like her. I said she's an amazing writer last time, and she still is. Even better now. She's won a bunch of English competitions at school and I'm so proud. I couldn't be prouder...We talk about you a lot. She writes about you a lot. She still just wants one more minute and I do too, still. One of the competitions at school was to write about 'hurt'. She wrote that it hurts that she doesn't have a mom, that she doesn't get moments like other kids do. She wrote that it hurts to see her dad break down...She won. Of course she did. But it does hurt. That I don't have a wife. That I don't get to chat with you, or do a crossword puzzle with you, or laugh with you. It hurts to see my daughter talk about how much it hurts. 

The squad aren't here this year. Charles is in Boston. Rosa is with Jocelyn and the kids. Terry has date night with Sharon. Holt's got work. Gina's in LA. And your...your gone.  
Jake xxx

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Mom,  
Every year since I can remember everyone has been here. But their not today. And I can hear Dad crying in the other room. 

I guess everyone's moved on. I didn't notice at first. Family game night got less regular and then stopped in general. Charles and dad still had bro night though, and I would sometimes join them. Then Charles moved away sometime last year and...everything just stopped. I guess I see Grandpa Holt sometimes, and Uncle Terry more often, but I don't know. I miss my family. My favourite quote of all time is 'blood doesn't make a family' because it was so true for the 9-9. But everyone's separated now and Dad is so broken about it. And, to be honest, I am too. 

Life's good, apart from that though. I love reading books just like you. I still love Harry Potter, although not as much as when I was 7. I watch the movies with dad at least once a fortnight, which is fun. He says Hermonie reminds him of you sometimes, and also me. She's my favourite...I still see your parents sometimes. Less regularly, because I don't really need babysitting anymore. We still play board games that get way too competitive (I've got you and dad's competitiveness) and sometimes Grandpa Victor does brain teasers with me to test me. It's fun and I love them lots. I hate Grandpa Roger: him and Dad still have arguments. I was definitely right in my last letter- he is a massive dick. I love Grandma Karen though. I'm terrible at painting (and dancing, with Dad says is your genes) but I help out sometimes. 

I don't remember much from 10 years ago. To be honest, most of my "memories" are just pictures that I've made stories in my head about. But there is one memory, that is definitely my own, and nobody can take away from me. I'm sitting on your lap. There's a big cake in front of me. Everyone's singing. I can see all my family, the 9-9 included. And I stare up at you and laugh and laugh and laugh and you have the most brilliant smile...That's it. Dad said it must've been my 2nd birthday party. You died in November and my birthday's Halloween, so...so it was only a few weeks before you died...I love you. Just from that memory I know that I love you. From the stories, from the "memories", from the pictures. I love you.  
Izzy xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed that!  
once again, just comment if you have any ideas and if you liked this chapter! i'm still trying to work out what's going to happen next. I figured that Izzy will be 17 in the next one, so...I think there is some stuff we could do! Anyway, comment your ideas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. 15 years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! i've done a new format on this one (i'm pretty new to this website, so i'm still learning all the stuff) but it's not to different, so won't cause any problems. i've also changed it round: izzy is going to be the one having some problems, instead of jake!! DUN DUN DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 
> 
> thanks for all the comments and kudos- it means so much :)

Ames,

It's been 15 years. I'm old now. 53! Holt says I matured when you died, but I don't think so. I think I had to change, because otherwise I'd be Jake...your Jake...for the rest of my life and I needed to start over. Anyway, my last letter. I was sad. Sad again. And I know that I'll always be sad that the 9-9 aren't so close anymore. And that I don't have Gina or Charles anymore. But...But I guess I've learnt to live with it. 

I'm still at the 1-3-5 but I'm a Lieutenant now. Lieutenant Peralta. I can hardly believe it. It only happened a year ago and it all still feels new. Being a Sergeant came kind of naturally to me for some reason, but there are so many more responsibilities for Lieutenant and...And I don't think I want to be a Captain after this. But we'll see, I guess. Charles is still in Boston. Obviously. I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Nowhere near as much as I miss you, but all the same, I miss him. He's happy there. I know that. Holt retired. I can hardly believe it, because I never expected him to retire, because he's...Holt. He did a lot of good for the city as Commissioner but he was in his 70s now and he said that someone younger should do it. Terry's also old (in his 60s) but he hasn't retired...yet. I like Holt retiring, because he comes to my precinct more often and that means I get to see him more. I think he hates it...Him and Kevin are talking about moving, maybe to the Berkshires. I hope not...Not that I don't want him to be happy but...but I can't let somebody else leave too. Rosa's still in the city, luckily. Aiden and Hattie are 11 now, and their such sweet kids. She's a Captain now and I'm sure she's great. As you can tell, she's a lot better at getting these promotions than I am. Ha. Gina...Gina's still in LA. Famous. Got married again. I wasn't invited again. But once a year, we have a 9-9 reunion. It's probably my favourite day of the year, apart from my birthday. Gina comes from LA, Charles from Boston and the rest of us from wherever we are in the city. We've had 2 now and I love them. 

Izzy is still as amazing as always. Duh. She's 17 now! I can hardly believe it: I have a 17-year old. God. Teenagers. She's a great teenager, but it's hard work. She's about the same height as me now, so I literally have no control over her. She's super smart still. She's going to University next year. She's applied to all the big ones: Harvard, Yale, ect. I know that she's going to get in. She's so smart. It's all you though. My brains (even if they are amazing) would never ever make...her. She's going to study English. She's going to be a famous writer...I'm so lucky to have her. I might not have you anymore Amy, but I have her...I think about that 6 months, after you died, a lot. What could've happened without Izzy. Maybe, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be writing this letter. I honestly considered doing it. Taking my own life. But, I'm so glad I didn't. 

I love you. I'll never stop loving you. I know that I'll never love anyone else. I know that. This world. It's so fucking confusing sometimes. But, I know that. I've only known a few things for definite. That I loved you. That I wanted to marry you. That I wanted a baby. That I wanted to take that bullet for you. And, that I'll always love you, not matter what. 

Jake xxx

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mom,

It's Izzy. I'm 17 now. Dad's probably told you all about it all. About how I'm applying to Yale and Harvard and I want to be a writer. He believes in me, all the time. Did he always believe in you? When you wanted to be a Sergeant, did Dad believe in you? I'm not saying anything against Dad...I just wanted to know. I want to know a lot of things. Why the universe had to pick Dad, out of all the people, to hurt the most. Why the universe decided Dad would get hurt, in every circumstance, in every way possible. He was just a kid: let's take away his dad. He finally got a new dad: let's move him to Public Relations. He loved you, so much: let's move him to florida. He was going to get a dirty cop off the street, and do good for the world: let's send him to prison. He had a perfect life, with a perfect wife and a daughter: let's kill the wife. He was getting over the death of his wife: move his best friend to boston. Why does the world hate Jake Peralta?

I've always wanted a mom. Always. I've dreamed about my life with two parents, instead of one. I've written countless stories too. I want to publish them one day. Just so that man, the one Dad won't tell me the name of, who shot you, knows what he did. Dad told me revenge is for the weak, and I don't need to know his name, because I'd end up doing something stupid. I agree. But sometimes, I just want revenge. I want him to know that he hurt a lot of people. That he's a bad person. That he...That he broke a man. 

I don't really know what's wrong. I've never got this emotional before...Not even on tonight. But...But, I guess I've been keeping it in. I didn't want to cry, because it was worry Dad, but...But I have needed to cry. I do want to cry. I am crying. For you. Dad's okay tonight. He's never been this okay on tonight. He's watching Harry Potter. He's done with his letter. I need to finish mine. But he's okay and I'm not, and...and I wanted you to know. Because Dad can't help me. He just can't. And maybe you can? 

I have to go. I love you though Mom. I miss you everyday. And I love you. So much. 

Izzy xx


	5. 20 years

Ames,   
Wow. It's been 20 whole years. I'm super old: 58. I can't believe it. I'll be 60 soon. I'll retire soon. I never ever thought I'd retire. I guess I thought life would go on forever and ever and ever. But you died. And now I know that it doesn't...Ames, this is going to be my last letter. I need to move on. I will never love anyone else. I promise. I'm not going to date anyone if that's what you think I mean. But I'm going to move on. I just...I just am. 

So, I guess I'll do what I did everytime. Talk about everyone at the 9-9 first. I'm a Lieutenant. I still don't want to be Captain. It's always going to be like that, I think, because, well, Captain's too much pressure. But, I guess we'll see. Charles is still in Boston. And he's 60! It's actually hilarious, because Charles didn't age well, and he looks about 80. You'd laugh a lot if you could see him. But I can't really talk. I don't look amazing. I miss Charles a lot. I don't see him too much. But it's fine. I still get to see him and it's better than not at all. Holt's still alive. I don't know why he wouldn't be. He's going to live forever. He's 81 though. Him and Kevin moved to the Berkshires for their retirement and their really happy. It's good. Sometimes I just wish that you were alive, and that we could go and retire somewhere. I just wish I wasn't alone. 

Rosa moved out of the city. Yep. Me and Terry are the last ones left. They moved just outside, in the Suburbs, and Rosa commutes to work still. Aiden and Hattie are 16. Aiden's super smart. Hattie's just like Rosa. It's funny actually, because Hattie's adopted but she still looks like Rosa and acts like Rosa. You'd never suspect that she wasn't her birth child. Rosa's Captain still and she's doing great. I'm super proud to be her friend. Terry's still in the city, as I said. He's nearly 70 and retired a few years back. Cagney, Lacey and Ava are all grown up. They're 30! I cannot believe it. It's so weird. Cagney is a Scientist of some sorts, but I don't get it. She works with really cool animals. Lacey got married last year and is pregnant. Ava's a doctor. I'm proud of all of them, especially my little god daughter. Oh, and I forgot to mention Nikolaj. He's a teacher. A drama teacher. And he just had a kid, called Peter. Charles is so proud to be a grandpa. Gina moved out of LA. Not to back here. Obviously. She's outside Palm Springs or something. For her retirement. We still see her once a year, for the 9-9 reunion, but that's about it. And Iggy. Iggy didn't take much after her mum. She moved back to New York and became a cop. I'm not even joking. I see her quite a bit. 

Izzy. She's 22. I wrote in my last letter that she was applying to Universities. Guess where she ended up going? HARVARD. She's the smartest girl in the world. It's her 4th year there now and her last. She's studying English and she's amazing at it. She's already started writing her own book. She also has a boyfriend...She actually had one the last time I wrote too, but she hadn't told me about him yet. Well, his names Luke and he's nice. They've been dating for about 3 months and their super cute. I would say they remind me of you and me, but although Izzy looks a lot like you, Luke does not look like me...It's a shame though, because I was a dashing 22 year old. He's from India, so there's that difference, and his hair is much darker than mine. Plus he's less funny. And more smart. Nevermind...Izzy has her own apartment now. Up in Boston, because that's where Harvard is. She goes to Charles's whenever she needs food and she comes home whenever she needs stuff washed. I do miss her. And I hate the empty apartment. But I'm happy for her. And super proud. So I shouldn't feel sad that she's out achieving something. 

I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to you. I'm not sure I'm ready, or I'll ever be ready, but I'm doing it...So, here's my goodbye. I've been planning it for 20 years. 

Amy. I love you. And I'll never stop loving you. I don't know how to put my love for you into words. It's bigger than the world itself. But I need to move on. Otherwise I'm going to spend the rest of my wishing you were here and I can't do that. This is it. Goodbye. Goodbye Amy Santiago. 

Jake xxx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI guys! So basically this is not the last chapter! it may be the last letter, but i'm going to do another chapter. you'll see what happens then ;)   
i've loved writing this so much, but i'm just getting a little bored, plus i have a new story on the go. thank you all so much for the love and support writing this. i've never ever had this much...attention i guess for anything, so it means the world to me. anyway i hope you enjoyed this chapter and also the last letter jake sends to amy.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi thanks for reading!  
Please leave kudos and comment if you enjoyed this.


End file.
